Archive | December, 2012

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – Los Angeles

17 Dec
Photo by V. Smoothe

Photo by V. Smoothe

Almost nothing is more classic during the holidays than ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.  However, I really enjoy the updated versions/parodies that exist out there.  I was shocked that I couldn’t find one specific to Los Angeles, so I decided to try my hand at writing one.  LA has to represent!

The poem was published for the first time in 1823 and is most commonly credited to Clement Clarke Moore.  Although, there was some dissension and many believe that it was actually written by Henry Livingston, Jr.  So I take this opportunity to apologize to both Mr. Moore and Mr. Livingston respectively for the hack job I have done to this beautiful poem.


Los Angeles version by SoJejune


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through LA,

no one was stirring, not even the gays.

The stockings were hung by space heaters with care,

in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The hipsters were nestled all snug in their jeans,

while visions of indie bands danced in their dreams.

All actors lay down on their pillows with reason,

to nap and relax before pilot season.


When out in the city there arose such a clatter.

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

knocking into the table and spilling my stash.


I looked all around, but all my eyes could meet,

was the West Hollywood Jesus down on the street.

Then, I looked up and thought I’d had too much wine,

but there was Santa and his reindeer on the Hollywood sign.


I rushed out of the house, trying to catch him,

but hit traffic at the Grove, and thought, “I’ll never get them!”

I got to Griffith Observatory and could still see my guy,

apparently he stopped to eat In and Out’s 4×4 with animal fries.


A little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

I finally got a close look and he couldn’t be handsomer,

although he should’ve gone with a little less St. Topaz self-tanner.


As he readied to leave, his team they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:


“Now Dasher!  Now Dancer!

Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On Donner and Blitzen!

To the Santa Monica Pier!  To the Venice Canals!

Now dash away!  Dash away!

Dash away all!”


I hid on his sleigh, and could see roof top pools,

with all the studio heads and starlets donning their jewels.

The artificial snow was falling as they discussed,

their TV and movie ratings and box office bumps.


He looked at his list and realized he forgot,

peppermint macaroons for Bobby, believe it or not!

He uttered a gasp when he tried for a spot,

did he think he would find parking in a Trader Joe’s lot?


I peeked into his bag and what a kind, jolly ol’ soul,

he brought SAG cards for everyone and not any coal!

He had CDs from Ameoba, and clearly concurs,

as he finally brought Leo and Johnny their Oscars!


As he continued on from house to house,

he filled all the stockings, quiet as a mouse.

The food though, was more than he could handle,

for instead of cookies and milk, there were too many Vegan veggie scrambles.


He packed up his sack and past the palm tress they flew,

past the food trucks, Hollywood Bowl and Getty Center, too.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight.


“Happy Christmas LA, and to all a good night!”


Photo by Thomas Pintaric

Photo by Thomas Pintaric


Our Mini Christmas Tree

11 Dec

I love Christmas trees; can’t be helped.  I also like when they are decorated in the typical clusterfuck / Christmas throw up fashion.  And by that I mean, no coordination, lots of ornaments, lots of lights, lots of tinsel, lots of everything Christmas related found, and affixed to a tree.

Since I wasn’t in LA for Christmas last year, my genius boyfriend got us a little place holder, a potted mini tree…perfect!  It’s nice for many reasons, one of those being, since it’s potted you can keep it alive and kicking until the next year!  You’ll never have to buy (and kill) another tree again!  Well, in theory anyway.  Ours only made it to August.  I blame my general lack of watering and care outside of the Christmas season to this sad fact.  However, this year, this year, things are going to be different.

My goal this year is to have our little tree, who I’m going to take a moment here and name Willie the Tree, make it until next year.  I promise to water you and give you the proper and recommended amount of shade.  To cuddle and read you a bed time story every night.  Hey, if you’re lucky, maybe I’ll get you a shiny new pot to reside in!  How does that sound, buddy?  I promise to do this for you…

And so now I raise my glass to you Willie – to health and good luck!

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